I Can Fix That!
by Majik2
Summary: Okay, if Hojo is always trying to cure Kagome's 'illnesses', how would he react to the ultimtate wound--the air void of our favorite deliquent monk? Silly one-shot, rating for light language. (definitely not for Hojo fans!)


DISCLAIMER: Must we go through this? ::sigh:: I am not, nor have I ever been, Rumiko Takahashi, though I shall continue to worship her—be it from afar now…stupid restraining order…::grumbles::

**I Can Fix That!  
****by the Incorrigible Majik  
An Inuyasha One-Shot**

_Gotta get away_, Kagome thought, panting as she ran across the shrine, face flushed with exertion. _Gotta escape! It's everywhere! Must… get… away…!_

"Higurashi-san! I have some herbs for you!"

Kagome squealed as she threw open the well house door and darted inside, slamming it shut behind her. Panting, she jumped down the stairs and doubled over, desperately trying to catch her breath.

"Oh, Higurashi-san! Should you really be up and about if you've sprained your back? Your Jii-chan said it was really bad this time…"

Kagome sweat-dropped as she sat up on the well's wall. _Oh man. This kid is the most annoying thing on this planet, even more than Inuyasha!_ With a sigh she leaned back and started to fall through the well.

It all happened so fast. The well house door slid open, revealing a very out of breath Hojo. Kagome's eyes widened in surprise as he stared at her. From her hand slipped the little jar of Shikon shards, tumbling, tumbling, tumbling through the air. Scrambling, she reached out for it, her fingers grasping it and knocking it around. It hit the well wall and shattered. Still in mid-fall Kagome scooped up all the shards she could, thinking she had all of them, and then disappeared through the darkness, breaking every physical law known to man as she was thrust hundred of years back into the Sengoku Jidai period. 

"Higurashi-san?" Hojo calmly walked down the steps and peered into the well, but found it to be empty. "Hmm. That was strange." Grinning mindlessly, as only the truly ignorant can do, he turned to walk away, whistling merrily to himself. And out of the corner of his eye came a glimmer, faint and shimmery in the afternoon sun. "Hmm, what's this?"

The boy crouched down in the dirt and inspected it for the sparkling object. Amongst the pieces of broken glass was a sliver of pink, jagged and rough, like an uncut diamond not yet crafted by a master. He picked it up and held it to the light, watching the rays bounce off in a rainbow of colors and magic. "This must be Higurashi-san's," he decided, as it was the only logical explanation. "She dropped it, didn't she? She will surely miss this one piece."

And how was he to get it to her? Hojo peered into the well, inhaling the scent of damp dirt and clammy air. Why, if she jumped into this well, then by-gum he could do it too! And what was to stop him? Absolutely nothing, of course. So he pocketed the most likely quite precious shard in his pocket and leapt in after her. Because, after all, it was the only logical thing to do.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Kagome panted lightly as she entered the village. She opened her fist for the hundredth time and counted the shards on her hand. There could be no mistaking it. One was missing.

_Inuyasha is going to have a heart attack_, she worried.

"Kagome!" came a squeal and then weight on her shoulder as a little bouncing fox kitsune jumped up on her, making her drop all the Shikon shards.

"Wench!" was the next word she heard, an angry husky growl as he quickly scooped up the shards. "Just go around carrying them like that, neh? Dropping them for every demon that talks to you?"

"**SIT**!" and that word came from Kagome, of course. Inuyasha became reacquainted with his long time friend, Mr. Dirt. 

Kagome walked over and stepped on his wrist, making his hand open reflexively and drop the shards. She picked them up, carefully recounting them._ Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can blame him for losing that one shard…no, he'll never buy it._

"Why aren't they in the jar, Kagome?" asked Shippo. "Shouldn't they be in the jar?"

"The jar…um…it broke. I broke it; I dropped it. Gomen."

"You…did…what?" growled Inuyasha, getting back up on his feet. It seemed like he was always growling at her. Eye twitching, he shook a fist at her. "You dropped them?"

Kagome held on tighter to the shards she had picked up. "It was an accident…something startled me. I'm really sorry, really I am. I got them all back… " _That's a lie, and I know it!_

"Startled? What startled you?"

"If you're going to keep asking questions, we might as well just **SIT**" thud "because there is no way I'm going to stand because it's a rather long explanation!" And she hurriedly walked away before the startled hanyou could recover from the spell.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Hojo pulled himself up out of the well and looked around. The well house and Higurashi shrine were gone. This was a land of greenery, surrounded by forests with plush bright grass underfoot. He drew in a breath of fresh, clean summer air and smiled. "This is a nice place," he commented to no one, for he was just that type of a person, to make stupid observations and then talk about them when there was no one around to respond.

Sighting a few houses and fields down the hill and over some, he decided that that was the best path to follow, and with his idiotic grin headed down that way, thinking little at all about nothing in particular.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Kagome-san, hello," greeted Miroku kindly, nodding towards the girl.

"Hey, Miroku." Kagome sighed and sat cross-legged beside him.

"Inuyasha on the war path, hmm?"

"He gets all upset over nothing." She laid the Shikon fragments out in front of her.

"He'll get upset over this." Miroku knew immediately one was missing, and he raised his eyebrows at the distraught girl.

"I…I'm afraid…I left one in my time…"

"Why is that a problem? There are not many youkai in your time, right, Kagome-san?"

"True, true." She heaved another sigh._ Maybe not youkai, but someone much worse…_

"Wah! Kagome!" Shippo came bounding into the house, hiding behind Kagome and pointing a shaky paw outside. "Inuyasha's freaking out over something!"

She and the delinquent monk were up and out of there in an instant. When Inuyasha freaked out, it usually meant someone was going to get hurt.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The villagers had seen him coming and had lined up along the main path, as though gathering to witness some strange one-man loser parade. Not quite sure what to do about all the attention, Hojo had only continued smiling warmly and greeting the people as he walked past, doing a little Queen of England wave. "Hello…yes, greeting…nice day today, isn't it? Hello, how are you? I come in peace." Okay, maybe not that last one…

And at the end of this parade, such that it were, the end came when Hojo found himself nose to nose with a disgruntled looking gentlemen with silver hair and dog ears atop his head. And because Hojo thought himself to be a gentlemen as well he said to the newcomer, "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

The reply was somewhat less cordial. "Who the hell are you?"

"Hello," he repeated like an automated teller, "I am Hojo, sir, and how are you today?"

"Who the hell is Hojo?"

"I am Hojo. How are you?"

"Dammit! What is up with this freak?"

"Inuyasha! **SIT**!" cried Kagome, coming upon the scene along with Miroku and Shippo. Inuyasha, who was still sore from his last run in with Mr. Dirt, suddenly found he and the substance face to face once more.

"Oh my, how sad!" said Hojo, gliding over the hanyou and stepping up to Kagome. "You dropped this, Higurashi-san," he told her blushingly, taking the jewel shard from his pocket and putting it in her hand.

"Oh…Hojo-kun…um, arigato," stuttered Kagome, flustering madly.

"So that's how it is," muttered Miroku to Shippo.

Muttered the fox kitsune right back, "What a lame boy."

"I'm going to kill him," muttered Inuyasha to Mr. Dirt.

Muttered Mr. Dirt right back, "I suggest you don't."

"Um, Hojo… " Kagome stared at his hands, which where still tightly intertwined around her own. "Do you….haven't you…aren't you the least bit surprised that this is feudal Japan???"

"Feudal Japan?" Hojo looked around at the technology-lacking village, the dilapidated rough houses, and the people with the hair knots and sewn clothes. "I hadn't noticed."

The group sweat-dropped, as did some of the villagers.

"How could you not notice?" grumbled Kagome, trying to withdraw her hands from his. "I—you see—the thing is, the well—"

"Don't bother wasting your time!" Inuyasha skillfully inserted himself between the two and shoved the boy back a few steps. Cracking his claws, he continued, "He's gonna be mince meat in a few seconds anyway."

"Inuyasha, you can't kill him!" cried Shippo. "He hasn't done anything!"

"Yes, why don't you just calm down," added Miroku, "before you get—"

"**SIT**!" screamed Kagome with all her might, and he did so, rather violently too.

"Sat," finished the monk. With a huff he marched up to the startled looking Hojo and bowed slightly. "I am Miroku, and you are…?"

"I am Hojo," he said, and then he spotted the monk's right hand, wrapped in cloth and rosary. "What is wrong with your hand, sir?" he asked.

"My hand?" Miroku held it up. "Oh, it…it is a…"

"Curse!" Shippo said. "He's cursed. There's this hole in his hand that—"

"A hole? How terrible!" Hojo grabbed Miroku's hand and inspected it closely.

Miroku sweat-dropped. "I prefer women to be doing this, Hojo."

"Hojo, go back home," said Kagome, as if that would do the trick. "And Inuyasha, you just keep **SIT**—" thud "—ting down." She went and tugged at the naïve boy's arm. "If you'll follow me, Hojo—"

"A hole in your hand? I can fix that!" declared Hojo cheerfully. "I'm very good with illnesses. I help Higurashi-san with her illnesses," he added shly, smiling at Kagome, who only put on one of those big fake grins that light up like a neon sign in space but somehow Hojo couldn't see it.

"You…help…her?" grunted Inuyasha, who had been finding himself getting too friendly with Mr. Dirt as of late, and Mr. Dirt didn't really appreciate it. "With her what now?"

"Inuyasha, you **SIT**" thud "and calm down," said Kagome. "Now, Hojo, come on…"

"I would like to try and fix your hand," he said to Miroku, tugging at the rosary. "What is this beaded thing wrapped around your hand?"

"He's kinda stupid," whispered Shippo to Kagome. The girl rolled her eyes.

"You probably shouldn't play with that," Miroku warned as he struggled to get out of Hojo's grip. But for someone who looks like quite a weakling he was quite strong, his clasp like an iron chain's link that was unyielding to just about anything.

"Don't be silly," said Hojo, and he promptly removed the rosary.

"Cover!" cried Kagome, hitting the dirt along with Shippo and shimming closer to Inuyasha, who was already quite close to the dirt.

Hojo, at least, had enough sense to let go of Miroku's hand and try to run. But because he was somewhat clumsy he fell to the ground. Luckily—or unluckily, depending on what you are rooting for at this point in this tale—he was able to grab onto a tree root. But unluckily—or luckily, depending still on what you are rooting for at this point in this tale—Miroku's cursed right hand managed to suck up something of value to Hojo, and that would be his pants.

Miroku thrust the rosary beads back over his hand, making a tight fist. The villagers looked up from their cowering spots. Kagome, Shippo, and Inuyasha sat up to see a very much astonished Miroku staring at a very much pants-less Hojo.

His boxer shorts had kitties on them.

Hojo sat up, looking a little dizzy, but no worse for wear. He noticed everyone—our beloved heroes, the poor innocent villagers, even the birds—staring at him and asked, "Is something the matter?"

"You—um—we can—you're—" stammered Kagome helplessly, her face blood red.

"Your pants are gone!" announced Inuyasha, pointing a clawed finger at the boy. And then he began to laugh, a deep belly laugh that was truly terrifying, for youkai rarely laughed like this, and a hanyou! Well, hanyous just don't laugh, you understand, for they have nothing to laugh about. But to tickle our stone-faced Inuyasha—you see, it was a very entertaining sight.

But Hojo only stood and dusted off dirt and grime. He did not seem the least bit embarrassed about his predicament—not a hint of red on his cheeks, but they were not pale either—and he said nothing to show humiliation. 

"G-gomen," said Miroku, unsure of what to do. "About your…pants, I mean."

"Oh, it's okay. Plenty more at home." Hojo just walked back over to the stunned monk and examined his hand. "That is quite a curse. But I can fix that!"

The group sweat-dropped.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"I got an A on my sewing project," Hojo said proudly.

The group had left the village and gone to the riverbank, deciding that it was best to get away from innocent bystanders who might be sucked into the air void, or at the very worst see even more of hapless Hojo than they cared to. So now they were sitting by the riverbed, Shippo splashing playfully in the cool water, Inuyasha still breathless at the idea that Hojo was walking around with no pants (!), and Kagome too much embarrassed to say anything at all.

"That is very good, Hojo-sama," Miroku returned, keeping a wary eye on the boy.

"Yes, yes, yes." Hojo held up the needle and thread. "All I have to do is sew up that cursed hole and you will be all better, I'm sure!" He licked the end of the string and tried to push it through the eye of the needle.

"Kagome-san," the monk whispered wearily to Kagome, "are you sure I should let him do this?"

"What's the worst that can happen?" She shrugged. "He already lost his pants."

"Now hold out your hand, sir, and I will sew it shut for you." Hojo cautiously poised his needle above Miroku's hand and even more cautiously removed the rosary. But before he could even start to threading the air void closed, the winds of hell sucked in his needle and thread and a great deal of his hair. Rolling his eyes, Miroku put the rosary back on his hand.

"Seems that isn't going to work," said Hojo breathlessly. 

Inuyasha lost it again, rolling on the ground in quite the fit.

"But don't worry! I can fix it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*

"That's… really tight… " winced Miroku.

"Yes, it has to be tight," said Hojo earnestly. "That way the bandages won't come off. This will work, I'm sure."

Inuyasha and Kagome sat watching Hojo tie up Miroku's hand in a huge bandage that Hojo had materialized out of nowhere, not even a pants pocket, for his pants were gone. The bandage had a diameter of roughly a small meteor, and probably weighed as much. 

"Go ahead and pull the rosary out," suggested Hojo. "I know this bandage will work. I got an A in first aid."

Reluctantly Miroku pulled on the bit of rosary he had kept a hand on. His hand shook and the bandages all got sucked inside the air void, and then he calmly wrapped the beads back over it. "That didn't work," he said, beginning to get annoyed with the half-wit.

"That's okay!" said Hojo in his irritating enthusiastic way. "I can fix it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*

"This will work for sure," Hojo declared, showing the huge cork to Kagome and Inuyasha.

"It's…a…cork… " Kagome sweat-dropped.

"Where did you even get that?" asked Inuyasha, for it had not come out of a pocket in his pants, because Hojo was quite pants-less.

"This will work," Hojo said, not answering the hanyou's question, causing Inuyasha's brow to dip down in infuriation. "It has to. I got an A in corking."

Everyone looked at Kagome, who shrugged. "He takes a lot of extracurricular activities."

"I don't think this will work," said Shippo.

"Oh, it has to." Hojo held the massive cork over Miroku's hand. "Now go on and remove the rosary."

With a sigh Miroku pulled back the beads and sucked in the cork. And---to everyone's surprise---the cork stuck in the hole, and the air void was cut off!

Everyone stared with disbelief at the hand, their mouths open and eyes wide. "I…cannot believe that worked," breathed Kagome. 

"I knew it would." Hojo smiled proudly. "An A in corking, you know."

"That is so unbelievable." Miroku inspected his hand. The cork bulged up over his palm and made it quite awkward and was somewhat painful, but it HAD worked, after all. It was tight and most likely would never budge.

"How anti-climatic," pouted Inuyasha with a roll of his eyes.

But, because this is a story being told by a madwoman, it's not really anti-climatic. For in a few seconds Miroku's hand rumbled and sucked in the cork and a whole lot of leaves from the nearest tree. Miroku quickly sealed the void and glared at Hojo, who looked extremely puzzled.

"Hmm. Thought that would work."

"That's much better," said the hanyou with a 'hurrumph.'

"What are you going to do now?" asked Shippo, who was almost afraid of the answer.

"I'm not sure. But don't worry. I'll think of something. I can fix it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*

"I know!" declared Hojo suddenly.

Inuyasha and Miroku sat up and looked plaintively at the boy. Hojo had sat thinking for an hour or so, and Kagome and Shippo had curled up and gone to sleep, while the monk and hanyou just laid around lazily watching the clouds go by. "I'm so excited," Miroku said dryly.

"There's only one thing left to do." Hojo produced a very large butcher knife from thin air (certainly not pants pockets, because, as I've said before, he is quite pants-less) and smiled at the monk. "The solution is to cut off that hand."

"What???" cried Miroku. "You can't just cut it off!"

"And why not? You can make do with only one hand."

"N-no I can't! This is my groping hand! I need it—to grope with!"

But Hojo only grinned and walked over towards Miroku, waving the knife wildly. "No, it's okay. In amputation I got—"

"Let me guess, an A?" said Inuyasha.

"No, actually, I didn't do so well in amputation because the patient got gangrene." He shrugged. "But oh well. Practice makes perfect." He swung the knife at Miroku, who dodged out of the way.

"Inuyasha! Help!" he squealed.

Inuyasha idly inspected his claws. "Um, no, don't think so."

"And why not?" cried Miroku, still dodging a still grinning Hojo.

"Because Kagome will sit me to death, that's why! 'Oy, Kagome, by the way, I had to kill that damn boy who was here earlier, why yes I think I will **SIT** **SIT** **SIT** **SIT** **SIT** **SIT** **SIT**!'" He shuddered at the thought of so many sits. "You're on your own."

"Stop swinging the knife!"

"Stop moving so much! Do you want me to miss? I've missed before, and it isn't very pretty!"

"Sweet Buddha!" screamed Miroku, turning and running for his life now. But he didn't get very far, as he tripped over a log that magically appeared in this open clearing because a plot device was needed. 

This was just what Hojo needed—something to stop Miroku—and he seized his chance, jumping up and over the log and ready to slice that terrible troubled hand right off!

But because Miroku so very much needed a groping hand he removed the rosary and sucked Hojo right into the air void, knife and kitty boxer shorts and all!

Getting to his feet, Miroku stared at Inuyasha. And Inuyasha stared right back. And for a long while, neither said anything, until Inuyasha lamented, "Kagome is going to blame me."

"Not if we don't tell her."

"Tell me what?" Kagome sat up, rubbing her eyes and stretching, somehow doing both at the same time. "What's going on? Where's Hojo?"

The boys exchanged glances. "Hojo…Hojo went home," said Miroku carefully. "Yes. We finally convinced Hojo to go home."

"Oh. Well, good job. So. Are we going shard hunting now?"

"Yes. Yes we are."

*~*~*~*~*~*

And inside Miroku's cursed air void, Hojo tumbled end over end. He met up with very strange things: some chickens, a few pairs of women's unmentionables, a group of dogs playing poker (one of which was hiding an ace under the table), a rabid fangirl hunched over at her computer typing furiously, Austin Powers, a Barbie doll in a swim suit, some acorns, a dead weasel, Ron Weasly, a Britney Spears CD (!), more women's unmentionables, a pimp hat, Gandalf the White, Kagome's math homework, a piece of belly button lint, a bowl of instant ramen, and so many more things that to write them all down would take many days and days, so the tale ends with this: eventually he met up with all the demons who had been sucked into this air void, and to them he could only say:

"Don't worry! I can fix this!"

**THE END!**

o.O I suppose I should beg for reviews now. But hey, I'm not the begging type. ::notes she's down on her knees, her hands are crossed, her eyes like a puppy's, and her bottom lip quivering:: Hope you got a least one giggle, even if it is at the STUPIDITY! Ja ne!


End file.
